We endeavor to stay out of the political arena and within our biblical lane. However, this election cycle has reminded us how circular history can be. How the Holy Spirit can empower mighty leaders from without our midst to stand and fight for His Holy Will, The Truth, Providence, the ‘Murican Way, and Good Thingys He wishes to happen and stuff.

To that end, we present to the naysayers, the doubters, and the haters who hate hate hate the following missive proving how Donald J. Trump of New York, the Republican nominee for President of these United States has taken up the prophetic and apostolic mantle of Saint Paul, formerly of Tarsus, one of the chief architects of this nation’s greatest religion (after self-obsession).

Let those with ears to see and eyes to hear take note that “The Donald” merely channels “The Paul,” who:

1. Though he made an international name for himself as a speaker, he was first known due to his real estate ventures (c.f. Act 18:1-3; 20:33-35; Philippians 4:14-16)

2. Bragged about his upbringing and accomplishments, performing PR duties as his own hype-man (Philippians 3:4-6)

3. Told people they would be better off it they were as great as he was (c.f. 1 Corinthians 4:1; 11:1; & Galatians 4:12)

4. Delivered speeches about walls between different ethnic and religious groups (Ephesians 2:14)

5. Called people, including his followers, idiots (c.f. Galatians 1:6; 3:1; 3:3)

6. Called people dogs (Philippians 3:2)

7. Alternately places women in positions of power and then publicly disrespects the gender on a regular basis (c.f. 1 Corinthians 14:34; Ephesians 5:22-24; 1 Timothy 2: 11-15)

8. Commented on the abilities of his [small?] hands (Galatians 6:11)

9. Is not a big fan of “the gays” (c.f. Romans 1:26-27 and 1 Corinthians 6:9-10)

10. Made repeated references to blood coming out of wherever (See the Pauline epistles)

11. Used parts of the Bible completely out of context (See Peter Enns on this)

12. Repeatedly pisses off the leaders of his organization – (Compare Acts to the Pauline epistles )

13. Whose historic accounts no one can exactly reconcile with what he says about himself. (Again, compare Acts to the Pauline epistles )

14. Likes to fire off powerfully pointed missives to tell people why they suck and make people do what he wants (The Pauline Epistles are old school Twitter).

15. Talked about the dicks of his enemies (Most of Galatians chaps 5-6, esp. 5:12)

16. Was at the 7-Eleven at the WTC watching it burn. No wait.